There was barely a drop left of water in my pink plastic drink bottle that lay at the bottom of my ragged, old backpack. The dryness in my mouth creeps in after every agonising swallow of saliva. My socks are drenched in sweat from the scorching sun beating down on my tanned skin.

My dehydrated eyes can no longer cry, as my teeth chatter with adrenaline and my ears throb with thoughts. The sand dunes cave in on me, like waves crashing in a storm, I feel as though I am drowning with every breath. My heart pounds in my chest as if it’s trying to escape, my chest is being crushed by an invisible force as my breath runs away.

Glimpses of last night replay through my head over and over. I still can’t comprehend what has happened. She's gone; she’s really gone. How can I move on? How can I live my life without her in it? My best friend since birth, gone, deceased, departed. Every time I look in the mirror, I see her in my eyes, staring back at me. My heart aches in agony at the thought of her name. The torment is unbearable.

As I come to my senses, and the throbbing in my ears fades away, the sudden sound of crashing waves echoes through my head as someone turns the volume up. I get a feeling that urges me towards the ocean. There’s something about the deep blue water that seems inviting. My heart still pounding, I take small, dragging steps and make my way to the water’s edge. I slide off my backpack and slip off my shoes and socks. The cool, wet sand between my toes is somewhat calming.

Fully clothed, I enter the water without a second thought. My feet sink in the wet sand as I venture further out to sea. The water reaches my knees and my fingers stop twitching. I continue. I am up to my waist, the water is cool, not unbearably cold, or unpleasantly warm, just cool. The kind of cool that a mountain stream has. Every nerve in my body awakens and I feel my heartbeat steady. Refreshing seawater seeps under my chewed fingernails. The water is up to my neck, and I submerge myself into the salty liquid glass. I get a rush of cold running through my body as I am completely underwater. My hair floats like it’s not bound to my head. I feel weightless, worry less, as if dreaming.

I resurface to take a deep breath; the salty air fills my lungs and clears my mind. My Mum always said salt heals the soul, or at least for a while. I float on my back looking up at the pale blue sky. Clouds, I notice, white fluffy clouds drifting peacefully in the wind. Swirling calm, pictures, shapes, stories all seen from the same sky. Perspective, a crazy concept, from the same place, looking at the same sky, yet people never see the same thing.

It's so tempting to just stop. To just end it and be with her. Right here, right now, if I just stopped fighting, stopped worrying, and just let go, I could be with her once again. If I stopped swimming, if I submerged myself and didn’t resurface. If I took my last breath on this earth to be with her, the pain would finally stop.

It could all be over, it really could. How could I live without her? But what happens after that? When my body gets washed up on shore? I can picture it. It’s like any other day, Mum and Dad come home and call my name - except I don’t answer, and the house is empty. They text and call my phone, only to be left unread. They sit on the couch, Dad’s arm around Mum, tears running down their faces. They sit waiting for me, who never comes. In a similar situation they were in just yesterday. Then the phone rings. They both, for a moment, don’t move, hesitant Mum stands up and answers the phone. She gets the news; a rush of tears pours down her cheek. The pain is seen all over her face. A face that has been through this pain before. She will never see her babies again. Their hearts break, as two rooms in their house become empty.

I… I just couldn’t make them go through that, not again.